ARIES: You are excited now with ideas, solutions, and plans. Whew! It makes me tired to think of how much your brain is working! You should lie down for a nap right now!
TAURUS: A situation will soon come your way that will test your negotiating skills. Convince the officer that you weren’t really speeding.
GEMINI: Avoid squandering time / energy by clicking from channel to channel. Just settle on a program already! Or read a good book or listen to the radio.
CANCER: Others may say that you are lucky in love, but you’d rather be lucky in cards. Forget it: the house rules are stacked in their favor. Just cash in your chips, go home, and enjoy being lucky in love. LEO: Intensity at your wedding is building as the best man and the wedding planner have run off to Reno together. Butter your toast on both sides. VIRGO: You are getting regular clues that all is not exactly right with your toenails. They are conspiring against you. Check with your doctor to discover what you should be doing.
LIBRA: Money is on your mind. So what makes you think you’re different than eve-ryone else? Watch CNN and laugh uproari-ously! Don’t forget that nobody doesn’t like Sarah Lee.
SCORPIO: Getting together with friends or family for a game of Monopoly will bring out the beast in each of you. When you are invited, put your cares aside and go for it.
SAGITTARIUS: Be aware that a co-worker is in a sensitive state right now. That sensi-tive state is Indiana, where the cool breezes blow, where men are men and women are too, at least on that corner over by the col-lege bookstore. Take your umbrella!
CAPRICORN: Get ready to solve that problem by flipping a two-headed nickel. No, you shouldn’t punch your boss in the face today. Find some agreement.
AQUARIUS: Know the difference between chocolate Malt-O-Meal and tapioca pud-ding. Rotate your tires, even if you don’t own a car. Remember that you’re more like you are now than you’ve ever been before.
PISCES: Luck can come your way if you eat all the Lucky Charms at the supermar-ket, right there in the aisle. Pick your nose.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
August 2009
ARIES: When a new opportunity comes your way, accept it despite the pit bull. If your boss thinks you are ready for a new responsibility, you are – but he’s still nuts.
TAURUS: When you get the "do it now" attitude, it may just be that you’ve had too much fiber in your diet. Find ways to concentrate, but get started.
GEMINI: Others are finding you more attractive now. Make the most of it by reminding them of how they treated you when you were in that “ugly duckling” stage. Eat more cashews and fiber.
CANCER: The full moon puts you in the mood to microwave a cat. Those who don't do anything good for others will find few good things coming back to them.
LEO: Though it has been said that "idleness is the devil's workshop," the devil doesn’t have any power tools. Tomorrow, you should just veg out and put strawberries between your toes.
VIRGO: Events show that you were right all along, but being right isn't as important as it was before. Wait – that can’t be right. Forget what I said – rub their noses in it. You were right; they were wrong.
LIBRA: Straighten out a misunderstanding with your partner. If they’re a Virgo, then they were right anyway.
SCORPIO: The time is right for an excursion into fantasyland with your partner. Dress up like Mickey and Minnie and let your imagination go wild. Unless your parter is a Virgo, in which case, they’re right.
SAGITTARIUS: If you have money now, put it into little white security envelopes and mail it to “HumorScope Editor, General Delivery.”
CAPRICORN: Get out of here. Really. Go for a walk or ride a bike. Just don’t read the rest of this column! Go on – shoo! G’wan, get out of here!
AQUARIUS: Is Capricorn gone yet? Good. Now I can warn you that your Capricorn friend has been going behind your back and -- Oh, HI, Capricorn! Didn’t see you come in there! No, Aquarius and I weren’t talking about anything!
PISCES: You're the one who saves the day because you are Mighty Mouse. Sing a lot of opera and eat a lot of cheese today.
TAURUS: When you get the "do it now" attitude, it may just be that you’ve had too much fiber in your diet. Find ways to concentrate, but get started.
GEMINI: Others are finding you more attractive now. Make the most of it by reminding them of how they treated you when you were in that “ugly duckling” stage. Eat more cashews and fiber.
CANCER: The full moon puts you in the mood to microwave a cat. Those who don't do anything good for others will find few good things coming back to them.
LEO: Though it has been said that "idleness is the devil's workshop," the devil doesn’t have any power tools. Tomorrow, you should just veg out and put strawberries between your toes.
VIRGO: Events show that you were right all along, but being right isn't as important as it was before. Wait – that can’t be right. Forget what I said – rub their noses in it. You were right; they were wrong.
LIBRA: Straighten out a misunderstanding with your partner. If they’re a Virgo, then they were right anyway.
SCORPIO: The time is right for an excursion into fantasyland with your partner. Dress up like Mickey and Minnie and let your imagination go wild. Unless your parter is a Virgo, in which case, they’re right.
SAGITTARIUS: If you have money now, put it into little white security envelopes and mail it to “HumorScope Editor, General Delivery.”
CAPRICORN: Get out of here. Really. Go for a walk or ride a bike. Just don’t read the rest of this column! Go on – shoo! G’wan, get out of here!
AQUARIUS: Is Capricorn gone yet? Good. Now I can warn you that your Capricorn friend has been going behind your back and -- Oh, HI, Capricorn! Didn’t see you come in there! No, Aquarius and I weren’t talking about anything!
PISCES: You're the one who saves the day because you are Mighty Mouse. Sing a lot of opera and eat a lot of cheese today.
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