August 2009

ARIES: When a new opportunity comes your way, accept it despite the pit bull. If your boss thinks you are ready for a new responsibility, you are – but he’s still nuts.
TAURUS: When you get the "do it now" attitude, it may just be that you’ve had too much fiber in your diet. Find ways to concentrate, but get started.
GEMINI: Others are finding you more attractive now. Make the most of it by reminding them of how they treated you when you were in that “ugly duckling” stage. Eat more cashews and fiber.
CANCER: The full moon puts you in the mood to microwave a cat. Those who don't do anything good for others will find few good things coming back to them.
LEO: Though it has been said that "idleness is the devil's workshop," the devil doesn’t have any power tools. Tomorrow, you should just veg out and put strawberries between your toes.
VIRGO: Events show that you were right all along, but being right isn't as important as it was before. Wait – that can’t be right. Forget what I said – rub their noses in it. You were right; they were wrong.
LIBRA: Straighten out a misunderstanding with your partner. If they’re a Virgo, then they were right anyway.
SCORPIO: The time is right for an excursion into fantasyland with your partner. Dress up like Mickey and Minnie and let your imagination go wild. Unless your parter is a Virgo, in which case, they’re right.
SAGITTARIUS: If you have money now, put it into little white security envelopes and mail it to “HumorScope Editor, General Delivery.”
CAPRICORN: Get out of here. Really. Go for a walk or ride a bike. Just don’t read the rest of this column! Go on – shoo! G’wan, get out of here!
AQUARIUS: Is Capricorn gone yet? Good. Now I can warn you that your Capricorn friend has been going behind your back and -- Oh, HI, Capricorn! Didn’t see you come in there! No, Aquarius and I weren’t talking about anything!
PISCES: You're the one who saves the day because you are Mighty Mouse. Sing a lot of opera and eat a lot of cheese today.