March 2010

Yes, I know I've been out of action during 2010 so far. I could claim illness (which is true). I could claim laziness (which is also true). But instead I shall claim that the zodiac predictions for January and February were so horrible and frightening that I couldn't bear to share them with you. Besides, they weren't funny. So here's March's entries.

ARIES: Money matters dominate. It pays to stay on your toes. Sue Congress. Unless you are not a United States citizen. Then blame the USA president of your choice.
TAURUS: Let your imagination run wild when you think of how you would improve your workplace and your job routine. Then update your resume.
GEMINI: Get grounded in reality. Stop reading horoscopes.
CANCER: A personal challenge has come your way. Remain strong in your convictions at work. At home, take a softer tone and agree with your wife or you’re doomed.
LEO: Share another person's joy when a fortunate occurrence turns up. Sometimes that can be difficult if good fortune seems to shine more on someone else, those bums.
VIRGO: You could find an air of excitement surrounding you in March and April as a rottweiler moves into your bathtub.
LIBRA: Instead of being upset when an unexpected situation occurs at work or at home, consider brain acupuncture.
SCORPIO: You've been thinking about your health situation and what you should do about it. Remember that it's almost never too late to incorporate a healthier lifestyle. Sit around and think about it for another month.
SAGITTARIUS: It's good to be dedicated to your work, but don’t get so busy that you can't get together with friends to go to a movie, play cards, or put cashews up their noses.
CAPRICORN: If your life seems too dull and full of routine, go ahead and book that cruise with Henry Jones, Jr. Trust no one with a tattoo of a rhinoscope.
AQUARIUS: A new venture or a new project could turn out to be surprisingly successful. So go ahead and get that tattoo of a rhinoscope.
PISCES: You are making inroads in an area formerly closed to you. That could mean that your ideas will be more readily accepted. Wear your Tea Party button to a Democrat rally.
BRVITIUS: There is no zodiac sign called “Brvitius.” Why are you even reading this entry?