I'd stay away from this child, and try to not annoy him.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
April 2010 HumorScope
ARIES: Take a walk! The stars are not asking you to leave, they really do want you to take a walk off a short pier.
TAURUS: You're the go-to person at work. “Go to get me a cup of cocoa!” “Go make a copy of this!” “Go to the parking lot and scrape the ice of my windshield!” Yep, you’re the go-to person.
GEMINI: Your financial plans are progressing. As you save, big temptations come your way. Do you really need that boat? On the other hand, you NEED M&Ms.
CANCER: Travel bargains seem to be everywhere and your urge to go is strong. Beware of that special travel package which promises a tropical vacation, unless you’re heavily into volcanos and earthquakes.
LEO: Keep in touch with people important to you, because they're great to suck up to. But don't turn your back on someone wears a “Cthulhu Lives” button.
VIRGO: You could be called this month to serve jury duty. You’ll notice the defendent, the guy with the hatchet in his hand, keeps looking directly at you and giggling. Your charm helps.
LIBRA: Whether they realize it or not, some people go a little crazy with the full moon. So if your partner, co-workers or waitresses grow hair all over their bodies, just learn to accept them as they are.
SCORPIO: You don't have to wear brass knuckles to prove you are tough. You need to wear a brass toupee.
SAGITTARIUS: This is a good time to tell yourself that you will be able to handle any surprise that comes your way. Beware of co-workers who sneak up behind you and shout “SURPRISE!”
CAPRICORN: Your good communication skills will fail when you are interviewed, and the interviewer asks you to name your greatest weakness. PLEASE do not tell him or her about your G.I. tract problems! AQUARIUS: Are you sure your way is the best way? Do you feel that you HAVE to have everything your way, listening to no one? You may have a great future as a member of Congress.
PISCES: There's someone who is in need of the best you can give right now. It’s your Aquarius friend, but they won’t listen to you.
TAURUS: You're the go-to person at work. “Go to get me a cup of cocoa!” “Go make a copy of this!” “Go to the parking lot and scrape the ice of my windshield!” Yep, you’re the go-to person.
GEMINI: Your financial plans are progressing. As you save, big temptations come your way. Do you really need that boat? On the other hand, you NEED M&Ms.
CANCER: Travel bargains seem to be everywhere and your urge to go is strong. Beware of that special travel package which promises a tropical vacation, unless you’re heavily into volcanos and earthquakes.
LEO: Keep in touch with people important to you, because they're great to suck up to. But don't turn your back on someone wears a “Cthulhu Lives” button.
VIRGO: You could be called this month to serve jury duty. You’ll notice the defendent, the guy with the hatchet in his hand, keeps looking directly at you and giggling. Your charm helps.
LIBRA: Whether they realize it or not, some people go a little crazy with the full moon. So if your partner, co-workers or waitresses grow hair all over their bodies, just learn to accept them as they are.
SCORPIO: You don't have to wear brass knuckles to prove you are tough. You need to wear a brass toupee.
SAGITTARIUS: This is a good time to tell yourself that you will be able to handle any surprise that comes your way. Beware of co-workers who sneak up behind you and shout “SURPRISE!”
CAPRICORN: Your good communication skills will fail when you are interviewed, and the interviewer asks you to name your greatest weakness. PLEASE do not tell him or her about your G.I. tract problems! AQUARIUS: Are you sure your way is the best way? Do you feel that you HAVE to have everything your way, listening to no one? You may have a great future as a member of Congress.
PISCES: There's someone who is in need of the best you can give right now. It’s your Aquarius friend, but they won’t listen to you.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
March 2010
Yes, I know I've been out of action during 2010 so far. I could claim illness (which is true). I could claim laziness (which is also true). But instead I shall claim that the zodiac predictions for January and February were so horrible and frightening that I couldn't bear to share them with you. Besides, they weren't funny. So here's March's entries.
ARIES: Money matters dominate. It pays to stay on your toes. Sue Congress. Unless you are not a United States citizen. Then blame the USA president of your choice.
TAURUS: Let your imagination run wild when you think of how you would improve your workplace and your job routine. Then update your resume.
GEMINI: Get grounded in reality. Stop reading horoscopes.
CANCER: A personal challenge has come your way. Remain strong in your convictions at work. At home, take a softer tone and agree with your wife or you’re doomed.
LEO: Share another person's joy when a fortunate occurrence turns up. Sometimes that can be difficult if good fortune seems to shine more on someone else, those bums.
VIRGO: You could find an air of excitement surrounding you in March and April as a rottweiler moves into your bathtub.
LIBRA: Instead of being upset when an unexpected situation occurs at work or at home, consider brain acupuncture.
SCORPIO: You've been thinking about your health situation and what you should do about it. Remember that it's almost never too late to incorporate a healthier lifestyle. Sit around and think about it for another month.
SAGITTARIUS: It's good to be dedicated to your work, but don’t get so busy that you can't get together with friends to go to a movie, play cards, or put cashews up their noses.
CAPRICORN: If your life seems too dull and full of routine, go ahead and book that cruise with Henry Jones, Jr. Trust no one with a tattoo of a rhinoscope.
AQUARIUS: A new venture or a new project could turn out to be surprisingly successful. So go ahead and get that tattoo of a rhinoscope.
PISCES: You are making inroads in an area formerly closed to you. That could mean that your ideas will be more readily accepted. Wear your Tea Party button to a Democrat rally.
BRVITIUS: There is no zodiac sign called “Brvitius.” Why are you even reading this entry?
ARIES: Money matters dominate. It pays to stay on your toes. Sue Congress. Unless you are not a United States citizen. Then blame the USA president of your choice.
TAURUS: Let your imagination run wild when you think of how you would improve your workplace and your job routine. Then update your resume.
GEMINI: Get grounded in reality. Stop reading horoscopes.
CANCER: A personal challenge has come your way. Remain strong in your convictions at work. At home, take a softer tone and agree with your wife or you’re doomed.
LEO: Share another person's joy when a fortunate occurrence turns up. Sometimes that can be difficult if good fortune seems to shine more on someone else, those bums.
VIRGO: You could find an air of excitement surrounding you in March and April as a rottweiler moves into your bathtub.
LIBRA: Instead of being upset when an unexpected situation occurs at work or at home, consider brain acupuncture.
SCORPIO: You've been thinking about your health situation and what you should do about it. Remember that it's almost never too late to incorporate a healthier lifestyle. Sit around and think about it for another month.
SAGITTARIUS: It's good to be dedicated to your work, but don’t get so busy that you can't get together with friends to go to a movie, play cards, or put cashews up their noses.
CAPRICORN: If your life seems too dull and full of routine, go ahead and book that cruise with Henry Jones, Jr. Trust no one with a tattoo of a rhinoscope.
AQUARIUS: A new venture or a new project could turn out to be surprisingly successful. So go ahead and get that tattoo of a rhinoscope.
PISCES: You are making inroads in an area formerly closed to you. That could mean that your ideas will be more readily accepted. Wear your Tea Party button to a Democrat rally.
BRVITIUS: There is no zodiac sign called “Brvitius.” Why are you even reading this entry?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
December 2009
ARIES: You may need the advice of a friend to discover how to fill the gap be-tween your teeth.
TAURUS: You dislike having to change your underwear, but you should probably do it. Your health should come first. And your friends will thank you.
GEMINI: Christmas is an ideal opportunity to mend fences between you and others. Sometimes a smile and a "Merry Christ-mas" provides the perfect opening. And a bribe.
CANCER: This is a time for both fun and restraint. No, this does not mean you should have fun with restraints. Sheesh!
LEO: You may be a homebody at heart, but the holidays will help you out of your shell if you let them do it. Buddy Holiday. Billie Holiday. Judy Holliday. All those Holidays.
VIRGO: The joy and activities of the sea-son could make you less dedicated to what still has to be done at work. Let Dogbert be your guide.
LIBRA: The stars predict a great month for you. You remember those stars – Judy Holliday, Billie Holiday. All them Holi-days.
SCORPIO: If considering a holiday trip (What? Them again?), don't put it off. Vis-iting family is the traditional excursion, but if you feel the need to "get away from it all," take a vacation as a migrant worker.
SAGITTARIUS: Is it late in the month, but you still have done nothing for that relative or friend who counts on you during the holidays? Ah well, their loss!
CAPRICORN: As the year draws to a close, stop to consider the good things that have happened to you in 2009.
We’re still waiting for you to consider those good things.
AQUARIUS: Your boa constrictor is hav-ing a very busy time and may not be paying much attention to you. Just go with the flow, and it pays even more to give a little extra love.
PISCES: Kids, kids, kids, no matter what their ages, they are the ones who make the holidays worth while. Besides a material gift, give them something they will remem-ber. Say you are proud of each one. Espe-cially if they are grandkids and you don’t have to go home with them!
TAURUS: You dislike having to change your underwear, but you should probably do it. Your health should come first. And your friends will thank you.
GEMINI: Christmas is an ideal opportunity to mend fences between you and others. Sometimes a smile and a "Merry Christ-mas" provides the perfect opening. And a bribe.
CANCER: This is a time for both fun and restraint. No, this does not mean you should have fun with restraints. Sheesh!
LEO: You may be a homebody at heart, but the holidays will help you out of your shell if you let them do it. Buddy Holiday. Billie Holiday. Judy Holliday. All those Holidays.
VIRGO: The joy and activities of the sea-son could make you less dedicated to what still has to be done at work. Let Dogbert be your guide.
LIBRA: The stars predict a great month for you. You remember those stars – Judy Holliday, Billie Holiday. All them Holi-days.
SCORPIO: If considering a holiday trip (What? Them again?), don't put it off. Vis-iting family is the traditional excursion, but if you feel the need to "get away from it all," take a vacation as a migrant worker.
SAGITTARIUS: Is it late in the month, but you still have done nothing for that relative or friend who counts on you during the holidays? Ah well, their loss!
CAPRICORN: As the year draws to a close, stop to consider the good things that have happened to you in 2009.
We’re still waiting for you to consider those good things.
AQUARIUS: Your boa constrictor is hav-ing a very busy time and may not be paying much attention to you. Just go with the flow, and it pays even more to give a little extra love.
PISCES: Kids, kids, kids, no matter what their ages, they are the ones who make the holidays worth while. Besides a material gift, give them something they will remem-ber. Say you are proud of each one. Espe-cially if they are grandkids and you don’t have to go home with them!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
November 2009
ARIES: You can't turn back time on Thanksgiving Day, but you can enjoy aunts, uncles and cousins instead of turkey.
TAURUS: Just when you decided to pay more attention to your health, here come the holiday feasts. But you can still eat wisely and make time for gluttony.
GEMINI: People at work could be surprised this month when you ruffle some feathers. C’mon – that’s too easy of a Thanksgiving joke, isn’t it? The duck will come down from the ceiling and give you $100 if you say the secret word.
CANCER: The stars predict Thanksgiving time will be special for you this year. "Special" comes in many forms. Such as a two-ton boulder falling on your pickup truck.
LEO: Here comes Black Friday. Not the day with the Big Sales. The movie with Bo-ris Karloff. Stay home and watch it. It’s much less bloody than the sales stampedes at the various stores on November 27.
VIRGO: Sales will be up this year, and you will be able to get all the overtime hours you want. Too bad if you don’t want any. Remember that halitosis is just another way of saying you’re sorry.
LIBRA: You will feel the insane desire to make hundreds of chocolate-chip cookies with pecans. You will mail them to me.
SCORPIO: Money's on your mind as you picture a wallet decimated by holiday shop-lifting. Pay close attention to those pick-pocket friends of yours!
SAGITTARIUS: Wait.
CAPRICORN: If you're looking for love, you could hit the jackpot in November. Be ready for a surprise with your next blind date. He’s nothing that a quick run through the local car wash can’t fix.
AQUARIUS: A person from your past will make a surprise appearance before long, and embarrass you in front of all your friends and relatives. There will be no time to find your shoes.
PISCES: While others plan to go home for the holidays, you are thinking of a cruise or a trip to a far-away place. Such as Afghani-stan. Yes, your unit will be called up. If you’re not a reservist or active military, they will come draft you. Remember that your hair looks good when it’s cut short, and that you wanted to spend the winter in a warmer climate.
TAURUS: Just when you decided to pay more attention to your health, here come the holiday feasts. But you can still eat wisely and make time for gluttony.
GEMINI: People at work could be surprised this month when you ruffle some feathers. C’mon – that’s too easy of a Thanksgiving joke, isn’t it? The duck will come down from the ceiling and give you $100 if you say the secret word.
CANCER: The stars predict Thanksgiving time will be special for you this year. "Special" comes in many forms. Such as a two-ton boulder falling on your pickup truck.
LEO: Here comes Black Friday. Not the day with the Big Sales. The movie with Bo-ris Karloff. Stay home and watch it. It’s much less bloody than the sales stampedes at the various stores on November 27.
VIRGO: Sales will be up this year, and you will be able to get all the overtime hours you want. Too bad if you don’t want any. Remember that halitosis is just another way of saying you’re sorry.
LIBRA: You will feel the insane desire to make hundreds of chocolate-chip cookies with pecans. You will mail them to me.
SCORPIO: Money's on your mind as you picture a wallet decimated by holiday shop-lifting. Pay close attention to those pick-pocket friends of yours!
SAGITTARIUS: Wait.
CAPRICORN: If you're looking for love, you could hit the jackpot in November. Be ready for a surprise with your next blind date. He’s nothing that a quick run through the local car wash can’t fix.
AQUARIUS: A person from your past will make a surprise appearance before long, and embarrass you in front of all your friends and relatives. There will be no time to find your shoes.
PISCES: While others plan to go home for the holidays, you are thinking of a cruise or a trip to a far-away place. Such as Afghani-stan. Yes, your unit will be called up. If you’re not a reservist or active military, they will come draft you. Remember that your hair looks good when it’s cut short, and that you wanted to spend the winter in a warmer climate.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
September 2009
ARIES: You are excited now with ideas, solutions, and plans. Whew! It makes me tired to think of how much your brain is working! You should lie down for a nap right now!
TAURUS: A situation will soon come your way that will test your negotiating skills. Convince the officer that you weren’t really speeding.
GEMINI: Avoid squandering time / energy by clicking from channel to channel. Just settle on a program already! Or read a good book or listen to the radio.
CANCER: Others may say that you are lucky in love, but you’d rather be lucky in cards. Forget it: the house rules are stacked in their favor. Just cash in your chips, go home, and enjoy being lucky in love. LEO: Intensity at your wedding is building as the best man and the wedding planner have run off to Reno together. Butter your toast on both sides. VIRGO: You are getting regular clues that all is not exactly right with your toenails. They are conspiring against you. Check with your doctor to discover what you should be doing.
LIBRA: Money is on your mind. So what makes you think you’re different than eve-ryone else? Watch CNN and laugh uproari-ously! Don’t forget that nobody doesn’t like Sarah Lee.
SCORPIO: Getting together with friends or family for a game of Monopoly will bring out the beast in each of you. When you are invited, put your cares aside and go for it.
SAGITTARIUS: Be aware that a co-worker is in a sensitive state right now. That sensi-tive state is Indiana, where the cool breezes blow, where men are men and women are too, at least on that corner over by the col-lege bookstore. Take your umbrella!
CAPRICORN: Get ready to solve that problem by flipping a two-headed nickel. No, you shouldn’t punch your boss in the face today. Find some agreement.
AQUARIUS: Know the difference between chocolate Malt-O-Meal and tapioca pud-ding. Rotate your tires, even if you don’t own a car. Remember that you’re more like you are now than you’ve ever been before.
PISCES: Luck can come your way if you eat all the Lucky Charms at the supermar-ket, right there in the aisle. Pick your nose.
TAURUS: A situation will soon come your way that will test your negotiating skills. Convince the officer that you weren’t really speeding.
GEMINI: Avoid squandering time / energy by clicking from channel to channel. Just settle on a program already! Or read a good book or listen to the radio.
CANCER: Others may say that you are lucky in love, but you’d rather be lucky in cards. Forget it: the house rules are stacked in their favor. Just cash in your chips, go home, and enjoy being lucky in love. LEO: Intensity at your wedding is building as the best man and the wedding planner have run off to Reno together. Butter your toast on both sides. VIRGO: You are getting regular clues that all is not exactly right with your toenails. They are conspiring against you. Check with your doctor to discover what you should be doing.
LIBRA: Money is on your mind. So what makes you think you’re different than eve-ryone else? Watch CNN and laugh uproari-ously! Don’t forget that nobody doesn’t like Sarah Lee.
SCORPIO: Getting together with friends or family for a game of Monopoly will bring out the beast in each of you. When you are invited, put your cares aside and go for it.
SAGITTARIUS: Be aware that a co-worker is in a sensitive state right now. That sensi-tive state is Indiana, where the cool breezes blow, where men are men and women are too, at least on that corner over by the col-lege bookstore. Take your umbrella!
CAPRICORN: Get ready to solve that problem by flipping a two-headed nickel. No, you shouldn’t punch your boss in the face today. Find some agreement.
AQUARIUS: Know the difference between chocolate Malt-O-Meal and tapioca pud-ding. Rotate your tires, even if you don’t own a car. Remember that you’re more like you are now than you’ve ever been before.
PISCES: Luck can come your way if you eat all the Lucky Charms at the supermar-ket, right there in the aisle. Pick your nose.
August 2009
ARIES: When a new opportunity comes your way, accept it despite the pit bull. If your boss thinks you are ready for a new responsibility, you are – but he’s still nuts.
TAURUS: When you get the "do it now" attitude, it may just be that you’ve had too much fiber in your diet. Find ways to concentrate, but get started.
GEMINI: Others are finding you more attractive now. Make the most of it by reminding them of how they treated you when you were in that “ugly duckling” stage. Eat more cashews and fiber.
CANCER: The full moon puts you in the mood to microwave a cat. Those who don't do anything good for others will find few good things coming back to them.
LEO: Though it has been said that "idleness is the devil's workshop," the devil doesn’t have any power tools. Tomorrow, you should just veg out and put strawberries between your toes.
VIRGO: Events show that you were right all along, but being right isn't as important as it was before. Wait – that can’t be right. Forget what I said – rub their noses in it. You were right; they were wrong.
LIBRA: Straighten out a misunderstanding with your partner. If they’re a Virgo, then they were right anyway.
SCORPIO: The time is right for an excursion into fantasyland with your partner. Dress up like Mickey and Minnie and let your imagination go wild. Unless your parter is a Virgo, in which case, they’re right.
SAGITTARIUS: If you have money now, put it into little white security envelopes and mail it to “HumorScope Editor, General Delivery.”
CAPRICORN: Get out of here. Really. Go for a walk or ride a bike. Just don’t read the rest of this column! Go on – shoo! G’wan, get out of here!
AQUARIUS: Is Capricorn gone yet? Good. Now I can warn you that your Capricorn friend has been going behind your back and -- Oh, HI, Capricorn! Didn’t see you come in there! No, Aquarius and I weren’t talking about anything!
PISCES: You're the one who saves the day because you are Mighty Mouse. Sing a lot of opera and eat a lot of cheese today.
TAURUS: When you get the "do it now" attitude, it may just be that you’ve had too much fiber in your diet. Find ways to concentrate, but get started.
GEMINI: Others are finding you more attractive now. Make the most of it by reminding them of how they treated you when you were in that “ugly duckling” stage. Eat more cashews and fiber.
CANCER: The full moon puts you in the mood to microwave a cat. Those who don't do anything good for others will find few good things coming back to them.
LEO: Though it has been said that "idleness is the devil's workshop," the devil doesn’t have any power tools. Tomorrow, you should just veg out and put strawberries between your toes.
VIRGO: Events show that you were right all along, but being right isn't as important as it was before. Wait – that can’t be right. Forget what I said – rub their noses in it. You were right; they were wrong.
LIBRA: Straighten out a misunderstanding with your partner. If they’re a Virgo, then they were right anyway.
SCORPIO: The time is right for an excursion into fantasyland with your partner. Dress up like Mickey and Minnie and let your imagination go wild. Unless your parter is a Virgo, in which case, they’re right.
SAGITTARIUS: If you have money now, put it into little white security envelopes and mail it to “HumorScope Editor, General Delivery.”
CAPRICORN: Get out of here. Really. Go for a walk or ride a bike. Just don’t read the rest of this column! Go on – shoo! G’wan, get out of here!
AQUARIUS: Is Capricorn gone yet? Good. Now I can warn you that your Capricorn friend has been going behind your back and -- Oh, HI, Capricorn! Didn’t see you come in there! No, Aquarius and I weren’t talking about anything!
PISCES: You're the one who saves the day because you are Mighty Mouse. Sing a lot of opera and eat a lot of cheese today.
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